Is this a good kissing scene for my fantasy/romance novel?

I'm going to say that while I agree with what Vicky said about awkward descriptions, her rewrite is way too dramatic. Too much description of a kissing scene just makes it seem cheesy, in my never-humble opinion. You've got to strike a balance between enough detail to flesh out the scene but not so much that it becomes melodramatic. For example, I can't stand scenes that go on and on about "He pressed his soft lips gently to mine, the corners of his mouth turning slightly upwards as he caressed my face with his free hand. I responded to his touch..." Yaddah yaddah. We get it. Lips meet and spit is swapped.